GIFTS FOR WHITE ELEPHANTS

Screwed Up Big Time?

You've come to the right place. Here's a humongous version of the always popular pink eraser. Ours is 3/4 of a pound and 6" long x 2" wide x 1" thick. The top says "For Really Big Mistakes" but that, not surprisingly, rubs right off if you don't like it there.

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REALLY BIG ERASER

Screwed Up Big Time?

You've come to the right place. Here's a humongous version of the always popular pink eraser. Ours is 3/4 of a pound and 6" long x 2" wide x 1" thick. The top says "For Really Big Mistakes" but that, not surprisingly, rubs right off if you don't like it there.

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$2.95 EACH

Flat Earth Globe

Our favorite oxymoronic item. It’s a series of flat political maps of the world mounted on a 3” cube instead of a globe. The spindle goes into Antarctica and the whole thing stands just under 6” tall, spinning on an approx 4” dia base. Could be the perfect birthday present for your flat-earther uncle Morty.

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SPINNING POLITICAL EARTH CUBE GLOBE

Flat Earth Globe

Our favorite oxymoronic item. It’s a series of flat political maps of the world mounted on a 3” cube instead of a globe. The spindle goes into Antarctica and the whole thing stands just under 6” tall, spinning on an approx 4” dia base. Could be the perfect birthday present for your flat-earther uncle Morty.

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$4.44 EACH
$5.95
-25%

Yes And No

No maybes. Our each is a set of matching “YES” and “NO” buttons, a little over 3" in dia, like on quiz shows. When smacked, they recite one of (10) variations on the theme, as in “No, no, no, no” or “Yes, baby.” or “For the last time, NO.” Perfect for arbitrary decision-making at work and excellent for responding to requests from teens. You add a couple of “AAA” batteries and the buttons do the rest.

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TALKING YES-NO BUTTONS

Yes And No

No maybes. Our each is a set of matching “YES” and “NO” buttons, a little over 3" in dia, like on quiz shows. When smacked, they recite one of (10) variations on the theme, as in “No, no, no, no” or “Yes, baby.” or “For the last time, NO.” Perfect for arbitrary decision-making at work and excellent for responding to requests from teens. You add a couple of “AAA” batteries and the buttons do the rest.

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$9.75 EACH

Carnivore In A Pot

You supply the pot, we'll supply a dozen Venus Fly Trap seeds and a little sack of soil in a 4-3/8" x 2" dia plastic growing tube, plus an instruction sheet on the care and feeding of everyone's favorite meat-eating foliage. Gestation is about (14) weeks, so order early if you're planning a birthday surprise for someone.

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GROW YOUR OWN VENUS FLY TRAP

Carnivore In A Pot

You supply the pot, we'll supply a dozen Venus Fly Trap seeds and a little sack of soil in a 4-3/8" x 2" dia plastic growing tube, plus an instruction sheet on the care and feeding of everyone's favorite meat-eating foliage. Gestation is about (14) weeks, so order early if you're planning a birthday surprise for someone.

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$8.50 EACH

Yo, Twinklefingers

Can't make it to the nail salon? Make your fingers (and toes, too, if you can reach them) twinkle with this compact 6-piece stainless steel manicure set. Includes your basic nail clipper, angled cuticle edge clipper, plus a 3-1/4" long curved side edge cuticle scissors and, in the same size, a cuticle pusher, tweezers and a nail file. All in an imitation faux snakeskin, snap shut, padded hardcover case. Our choice of color because Jarvis knows best.

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6-PIECE MANICURE SET WITH SNAP SHUT SNAKESKIN CASE

Yo, Twinklefingers

Can't make it to the nail salon? Make your fingers (and toes, too, if you can reach them) twinkle with this compact 6-piece stainless steel manicure set. Includes your basic nail clipper, angled cuticle edge clipper, plus a 3-1/4" long curved side edge cuticle scissors and, in the same size, a cuticle pusher, tweezers and a nail file. All in an imitation faux snakeskin, snap shut, padded hardcover case. Our choice of color because Jarvis knows best.

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$4.50 EACH

Grubs Up!

Chow time. Stop screaming that dinner’s ready and just whale away on this classic, black iron chuck-wagon triangle. Feel free to shout “Yeee-haw!” Measures 12” per side and comes with an 11” long striker. Adds a nice Gabby Hayes note to those backyard barbecues, and is guaranteed to complement any style of kitchen decor.

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12” DINNER TRIANGLE WITH STRIKER

Grubs Up!

Chow time. Stop screaming that dinner’s ready and just whale away on this classic, black iron chuck-wagon triangle. Feel free to shout “Yeee-haw!” Measures 12” per side and comes with an 11” long striker. Adds a nice Gabby Hayes note to those backyard barbecues, and is guaranteed to complement any style of kitchen decor.

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$12.95 EACH

T-t-t-t-toothy Fun

THE American classic novelty item (even ahead of the whoopee cushion and rubber vomit, we think) is a set of chattering choppers. Auto-dentures. Invented by Eddy Goldfarb in 1949, a man who made the Toy Industry Hall of Fame ahead of Milton Bradley, these are, not to put too fine a point on it, the sine qua non of gagdom, the ne plus ultra of spring-driven frivolity. Ours are 2-1/2" dia, with a wind-up key.

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WIND-UP CHATTERING TEETH

T-t-t-t-toothy Fun

THE American classic novelty item (even ahead of the whoopee cushion and rubber vomit, we think) is a set of chattering choppers. Auto-dentures. Invented by Eddy Goldfarb in 1949, a man who made the Toy Industry Hall of Fame ahead of Milton Bradley, these are, not to put too fine a point on it, the sine qua non of gagdom, the ne plus ultra of spring-driven frivolity. Ours are 2-1/2" dia, with a wind-up key.

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$2.75 EACH
$3.25
-15%

BEAUTY SCHOOL DROPOUTS

Beauty school dropouts? You could call them that. We call them surplus with a new purpose, which probably involves Halloween, starting your own cosmetics how-to Youtube channel or guaranteeing yourself a seat on the bus. From what we've seen so far, some have eyes and some don't, and we can't decide which is more disturbing, but all have long dark-brown or black hair. Did we mention these are surplus? You get what you get without getting upset.

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ASSORTED MAKEUP ARTIST MANNEQUIN HEADS WITH HAIR

BEAUTY SCHOOL DROPOUTS

Beauty school dropouts? You could call them that. We call them surplus with a new purpose, which probably involves Halloween, starting your own cosmetics how-to Youtube channel or guaranteeing yourself a seat on the bus. From what we've seen so far, some have eyes and some don't, and we can't decide which is more disturbing, but all have long dark-brown or black hair. Did we mention these are surplus? You get what you get without getting upset.

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$11.97 EACH
$14.75
-19%

THE 8 FOOT BALLOON

If the question is whether to tie a bunch of these giant latex professional weather balloons to a lawn chair, the answer is no. (The balloon bursts at about 82,000 feet anyway.) This is a true high altitude weather balloon, with plenty of fun, nonfatal uses. The cream-colored latex balloon is approx 40" dia when flaccid, you should pardon the expression, but has an 8-foot dia when inflated. The neck is 9" long x 1" dia. Scientists and meteorologists launch balloons to measure atmospheric conditions like wind speed and air pressure for weather forecasting, but clever inventors, teachers and the imaginative filmmaker are warned to launch the balloon carefully. The synthetic rubber material is delicate and not made to survive brushes with pavement, pine branches, or clumsy physics students. Red not available and only available in egg shell/cream color only.

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GIANT LATEX WEATHER BALLOON

THE 8 FOOT BALLOON

If the question is whether to tie a bunch of these giant latex professional weather balloons to a lawn chair, the answer is no. (The balloon bursts at about 82,000 feet anyway.) This is a true high altitude weather balloon, with plenty of fun, nonfatal uses. The cream-colored latex balloon is approx 40" dia when flaccid, you should pardon the expression, but has an 8-foot dia when inflated. The neck is 9" long x 1" dia. Scientists and meteorologists launch balloons to measure atmospheric conditions like wind speed and air pressure for weather forecasting, but clever inventors, teachers and the imaginative filmmaker are warned to launch the balloon carefully. The synthetic rubber material is delicate and not made to survive brushes with pavement, pine branches, or clumsy physics students. Red not available and only available in egg shell/cream color only.

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$19.50 EACH
$22.95
-15%

Does Your Dinosaur Growl?

It will if you buy this unused take-out sound device and speaker. Includes a printed circuit board and a 2” 1/4W speaker mounted inside a 2-1/4” square x 1-1/16” gray plastic box. Includes a (3) “AA” battery box (empty) and power switch on one pair of leads, and a photocell in a brass tube on another because it’s motion-sensitive. The sound is officially a dinosaur growl, although some folks here maintain it is quite distinctly a dino belch. A dyspeptic dinosaur is an angry dinosaur, we always say, so it’s a fine line. Check out our Facebook post to hear it in action.

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DINOSAUR GROWLING MACHINE

Does Your Dinosaur Growl?

It will if you buy this unused take-out sound device and speaker. Includes a printed circuit board and a 2” 1/4W speaker mounted inside a 2-1/4” square x 1-1/16” gray plastic box. Includes a (3) “AA” battery box (empty) and power switch on one pair of leads, and a photocell in a brass tube on another because it’s motion-sensitive. The sound is officially a dinosaur growl, although some folks here maintain it is quite distinctly a dino belch. A dyspeptic dinosaur is an angry dinosaur, we always say, so it’s a fine line. Check out our Facebook post to hear it in action.

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$5.95 PKG (2)

Put Some Clothes On That Squirrel!

Naked squirrels always trouble us. For your instagrammatic pleasure, this 7-3/4" tall laminated squirrel cut-out stands on a folding easel and comes with (39) assorted, reusable vinyl clothing stickers, including tighty whities, pearls, a propeller beanie, sneakers, an argyle sweater and a whole bunch of holiday costumes. Easter bunny with a chain saw, anyone?

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DRESS-UP RODENT CUT-OUT DOLL

Put Some Clothes On That Squirrel!

Naked squirrels always trouble us. For your instagrammatic pleasure, this 7-3/4" tall laminated squirrel cut-out stands on a folding easel and comes with (39) assorted, reusable vinyl clothing stickers, including tighty whities, pearls, a propeller beanie, sneakers, an argyle sweater and a whole bunch of holiday costumes. Easter bunny with a chain saw, anyone?

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$7.95 EACH
$8.75
-9%

Astronomical Notebooks

But cheap. Just the thing for anyone interested in life off our home planet. You pick from our 5” x 3-1/2” (passport size) 50-page notebooks. The Moon Passport has blank, ruled pages with a small moon phase in the corners plus a bonus fold-out lunar map and chart; and the Mars Passport has blank pages with 3/16” square grids and some fun Martian facts on the inside back cover. And no, sadly, they are not yet approved for actual space travel.

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MOON PASSPORT NOTEBOOK

Astronomical Notebooks

But cheap. Just the thing for anyone interested in life off our home planet. You pick from our 5” x 3-1/2” (passport size) 50-page notebooks. The Moon Passport has blank, ruled pages with a small moon phase in the corners plus a bonus fold-out lunar map and chart; and the Mars Passport has blank pages with 3/16” square grids and some fun Martian facts on the inside back cover. And no, sadly, they are not yet approved for actual space travel.

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Wanna Tie A Banana In A Knot?

It’s a proven stress reliever, banana knotting, and you can participate with our mega-squishy stress banana. Measures 6” long but will stretch to a couple feet. Filled with stress-relieving gel beads, and will take a good long time to return to its original banana shape, which just adds to your relief.

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SQUEEZABLE BANANA STRESS-RELIEVER

Wanna Tie A Banana In A Knot?

It’s a proven stress reliever, banana knotting, and you can participate with our mega-squishy stress banana. Measures 6” long but will stretch to a couple feet. Filled with stress-relieving gel beads, and will take a good long time to return to its original banana shape, which just adds to your relief.

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$4.85 EACH

“My Rolls-Royce Radio Is Broken”

Yes, now you can truthfully tell people this. Just get this combo 10" long 1931 Rolls-Royce Phantom slash AM radio and you’re in business. The power knob/volume control in the right-side spare tire is frozen, but if you’re handy you can fix it and then truthfully say “I just fixed the radio in my ’31 Rolls Phantom.” These radio-models are from the mid ’70s, so they might be a tad tarnished, bumperwise, but they’re still your chance to work on, and own, a Rolls.

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RETRO ROLLS-ROYCE RADIO

“My Rolls-Royce Radio Is Broken”

Yes, now you can truthfully tell people this. Just get this combo 10" long 1931 Rolls-Royce Phantom slash AM radio and you’re in business. The power knob/volume control in the right-side spare tire is frozen, but if you’re handy you can fix it and then truthfully say “I just fixed the radio in my ’31 Rolls Phantom.” These radio-models are from the mid ’70s, so they might be a tad tarnished, bumperwise, but they’re still your chance to work on, and own, a Rolls.

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$9.50 EACH

Dogless Tags

Blank dog tags, ready to punch. Each set measures 2" x 1-1/8" x 1/32" thick in matte stainless steel with (2) ball chains, one 24" long and one 4-1/2" long. You get (2) sets of (2) tags, with (4) chains altogether. Made in the USA.

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MILITARY DOG TAGS

Dogless Tags

Blank dog tags, ready to punch. Each set measures 2" x 1-1/8" x 1/32" thick in matte stainless steel with (2) ball chains, one 24" long and one 4-1/2" long. You get (2) sets of (2) tags, with (4) chains altogether. Made in the USA.

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$3.95 PKG (2)

Hey Sailor, Nice Hat!

From the U.S. Navy stock of unused Gob hats (no, we don’t know where that name comes from) or more familiarly “dixie cups,” in white cotton twill. We’ll pick from sizes 7 through 8-1/2 if you’re going for the Cracker Jack look, but if you turn the sides down like Gilligan, one size fits every noggin. Upright, it should be squared up for authenticity. Group discount available for drama teachers staging South Pacific.

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U.S. NAVY WHITE GOB SAILOR HAT

Hey Sailor, Nice Hat!

From the U.S. Navy stock of unused Gob hats (no, we don’t know where that name comes from) or more familiarly “dixie cups,” in white cotton twill. We’ll pick from sizes 7 through 8-1/2 if you’re going for the Cracker Jack look, but if you turn the sides down like Gilligan, one size fits every noggin. Upright, it should be squared up for authenticity. Group discount available for drama teachers staging South Pacific.

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$14.50 EACH

Headed Overseas?

That’s where these military overseas caps started out, on Deutsch köpfe. Slightly shorter than the U.S. garrison cap, and with a jaunty curve, front to back, they’re in dark blue-gray with orange piping and a German army insignia on the front. We’ll pick a pair in (2) different sizes 58-63, which is approx 7-1/4 to 7-7/8 on American heads, but the envelope design gives them some size leeway.

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GERMAN ARMY GARRISON CAPS

Headed Overseas?

That’s where these military overseas caps started out, on Deutsch köpfe. Slightly shorter than the U.S. garrison cap, and with a jaunty curve, front to back, they’re in dark blue-gray with orange piping and a German army insignia on the front. We’ll pick a pair in (2) different sizes 58-63, which is approx 7-1/4 to 7-7/8 on American heads, but the envelope design gives them some size leeway.

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$7.95 PKG (2)

Paddy’s Day Poultry

This wacky, green-ish 20" long glow-in-the-dark rubber chicken is permanently in the missile position with an open mouth, as if he or she is rocketing through space and loving it. The body is somewhere in the neighborhood of chartreuse, and the feet, beak, eyes, wattle and comb are forest green. Yes, you read that right: glow-in-the-dark.

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GLOW-IN-THE-DARK RUBBER CHICKEN

Paddy’s Day Poultry

This wacky, green-ish 20" long glow-in-the-dark rubber chicken is permanently in the missile position with an open mouth, as if he or she is rocketing through space and loving it. The body is somewhere in the neighborhood of chartreuse, and the feet, beak, eyes, wattle and comb are forest green. Yes, you read that right: glow-in-the-dark.

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$12.25 EACH

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