NOVELTIES

Or the Swanee whistle. Whatever you call it, this little slide whistle (just consider it the smallest trombone in the universe) has an outsized musical history. No elevator has ever fallen in a cartoon without its accompaniment, and no jug band is complete without one, but Louis Armstrong also played one on his Hot Five recordings, and Ravel even required one in an opera score. In assorted plastic colors with a steel slide, 6-7/8" long x 1/2" dia.

It could have been called an Alabama Buzzer after Alabama Vest, the man who invented it. Or a Clegghorn, after Thaddeus Von Clegg, the clock master who fabricated the first one. But the hand-crafted 4-3/4" long steel instrument was a simple amusement, and the 1840s were a simple time. So it's simply a kazoo.

Emergency underpants in a can. Says it all, doesn't it? Quite stretchable in a Tyvekish white fabric, "one pair fits most adults." They're hip-hugger, semi-bikini, translucent type drawers, so despite the smiling man wearing them and a red bow-tie on the can, some (insecure) guys might find these just a touch jeune fille-ish. "Safe, Sanitary, Secure." Says so right on the 3" x 1-1/2" x 2/3" flip-top metal can. Better buy (3) in case of a long weekend.

From THINKIQ, these fist sized colorful wooden puzzles will let you prove it; Or not. We'll pick one of the (6) available puzzles. Take a good look before you take yours apart, because there are no instructions—it's just you and your spatial IQ. No extra charge for the extra challenge—you’re welcome. About the size of a kids fist. 

It’s just like the little bell that used to sit on the front desk of every hotel in the world except that this one has a big 1-1/4” dia button on it, because who can see that tiny button anymore? Use it to call whoever brings you another beer on game days, or to announce quitting time at the home office—or get a bunch to use in your home trivia games. Measures 2” tall x 2” dia in polished steel with a big plastic button on top and a plastic bottom that won't scratch tables. We'll pick one in white, blue or black plastic because we’re good at that sort of ding, uh, thing.

is best done with the sacred mother of all novelty items, the original Whoopee Cushion. Marlon Brando owned one. Of course he did, they're both American classics, except the cushion was born in Toronto. Ours is the classic 8" version.

What fun is a picnic without water balloons? Or any outdoor party on a hot day? These water balloons come with a plastic attachment that screws onto water faucets for easy filling. Our each is a pack of (60) water balloons which will either be blue, yellow, pink, purple, orange or green. Buy a bunch of packs and we’ll send you different colors so you can divide into teams for an epic water balloon fight or play other classic games. Last guy left dry gets thrown in the pool!

Yes, TV watchers, Flo, the Progressive Insurance Spokesgeek who's become America's heartthrob is now a model—a model kit, that is—with her own little speedboat that’s made, like Flo, of plastic building bricks. This (19)-piece kit lets you put Flo and her boat back together again. And yes, our little model has that interesting hairdo, and sunglasses, too. Includes decals.

This whimsical pack of (30) postcards measures, unsurprisingly, post-card size 5-3/4" x 3-15/16", with non-duplicating images of gravy and bacon, Nikola Tesla, narwhals, spontaneous human combustion, boxing kangaroos, infinity and taxidermy, among many others of that ilk. Those ilks. Whatever--just buy 'em and stop asking so many questions. Blurbs on the back.

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, when people could gauge your mood just by looking at your fingers. Our mood rings are tasteful, simple metal bands with mood-indicating stuff on the outside. We'll send you a trio from our bins of assorted sizes, and chances are they'll fit one or the other of your fingers or thumbs. (Or toes, which can get quite moody, too.)

Or singing suppositories. The pair is very magnetic, whatever they are. The 1-3/4" long prolate spheroids look like highly polished black hematites. Hold them an inch apart in your palm, toss 'em into the air and listen to them make a sound like the cyber-crickets. Or an electrocuted chicken. The manufacturer suggests keeping these mega-magnets away from computers, pacemakers, TV sets and credit cards.

We're proud to offer this actual, genuine, brand-name, not-a-knock-off Velcro® brand hook-n-loop strapping. Did we mention that Velcro® is a band name, like Kleenex®? Our each is (2) 18” x 1” all-purpose Velcro® straps in black with red tips. Dandy for holding all sorts of bundles of stuff like hoses and cords, but it's like they were made to roll up your yoga mat while you go have coffee with the other people recovering from being downward dogs all morning.

Special for your beginner tootler. Our black or ivory ABS plastic soprano recorder (Our choice) measures 12-5/8" long and includes a plastic carrying case, cleaning rod, and a sheet of fingering instructions.

Here's a little music box to crank. These are really cute, with a very nice sound, and they're in clear acrylic cases so you, or impressionable youngsters, can watch them work. They measure 2-1/4"x 2" x 1-1/4" with a 7/8" crank. We'll pick one that plays When You Wish upon a Star, Row, Row, Row your Boat, Brahms' Lullaby, or Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. We won't pick the one that plays the score from Die Walküre because the wheel is just enormous.

A plastic pistol shaped toy that shoots slugs of raw potato. Push the barrel into a potato, break off the slug, aim and shoot up to fifteen feet. Loads of fun, environmentally harmless, and about as safe as any "projectile" toy can be!! Pulls apart for cleaning. For kids ages 5 and up.

The original Joy Buzzer was called the Joke Buzzer (1932 U.S. patent #1845735, Soren Adams) and it replaced the more dangerous Zapper, which is lost to time, more's the pity. Our standard wind-up model is a 1-3/8" dia circle of perennial vibrating fun, with a 7/8" dia finger loop. (Watch for the solar-powered joy buzzer, still under development.)

Lots of people had piano keyboard neckties in the '80s, but no one could play them--not even the piano players! That's because they weren't actual musical instruments. Can you imagine a time like that? Thankfully, those days are long gone. Our piano tie is a working keyboard with (8) different electronic notes that you can play through the tiny speaker hidden in the knot. Polyester and 16-1/2" long, the tie has a quick-release for easy attachment and removal. Also has an on-off switch, for when you decide you're done playing for the night. Runs on button cell batteries (included). Lessons not included, but trust us, you don't need lessons for this thing to kill at parties. Great addition to dad's neck tie collection.

Literally. These clear, plastic-tubing faux-specs start in your soda, wrap around your ears and eyes, sit on your nose and end up in your mouth. You slurp and your drink zips around your face and into your yap. The last word in sophisticated beverage consumption. Made of 1/8" and 1/4" tubing, the slurp-parts detach for when you're not drinking. Some folks here believe we got this, despite the fact that it's in perfect working order, because the package says "It's suck-sational!"