NOVELTIES

Or the Swanee whistle. Whatever you call it, this little slide whistle (just consider it the smallest trombone in the universe) has an outsized musical history. No elevator has ever fallen in a cartoon without its accompaniment, and no jug band is complete without one, but Louis Armstrong also played one on his Hot Five recordings, and Ravel even required one in an opera score. In assorted plastic colors with a steel slide, 6-7/8" long x 1/2" dia.

Emergency underpants in a can. Says it all, doesn't it? Quite stretchable in a Tyvekish white fabric, "one pair fits most adults." They're hip-hugger, semi-bikini, translucent type drawers, so despite the smiling man wearing them and a red bow-tie on the can, some (insecure) guys might find these just a touch jeune fille-ish. "Safe, Sanitary, Secure." Says so right on the 3" x 1-1/2" x 2/3" flip-top metal can. Better buy (3) in case of a long weekend.

It could have been called an Alabama Buzzer after Alabama Vest, the man who invented it. Or a Clegghorn, after Thaddeus Von Clegg, the clock master who fabricated the first one. But the hand-crafted 4-3/4" long steel instrument was a simple amusement, and the 1840s were a simple time. So it's simply a kazoo.

is best done with the sacred mother of all novelty items, the original Whoopee Cushion. Marlon Brando owned one. Of course he did, they're both American classics, except the cushion was born in Toronto. Ours is the classic 8" version.

Or singing suppositories. The pair is very magnetic, whatever they are. The 1-3/4" long prolate spheroids look like highly polished black hematites. Hold them an inch apart in your palm, toss 'em into the air and listen to them make a sound like the cyber-crickets. Or an electrocuted chicken. The manufacturer suggests keeping these mega-magnets away from computers, pacemakers, TV sets and credit cards.

Lots of people had piano keyboard neckties in the '80s, but no one could play them--not even the piano players! That's because they weren't actual musical instruments. Can you imagine a time like that? Thankfully, those days are long gone. Our piano tie is a working keyboard with (8) different electronic notes that you can play through the tiny speaker hidden in the knot. Polyester and 16-1/2" long, the tie has a quick-release for easy attachment and removal. Also has an on-off switch, for when you decide you're done playing for the night. Runs on button cell batteries (included). Lessons not included, but trust us, you don't need lessons for this thing to kill at parties. Great addition to dad's neck tie collection.

Special for your beginner tootler. Our black or ivory ABS plastic soprano recorder (Our choice) measures 12-5/8" long and includes a plastic carrying case, cleaning rod, and a sheet of fingering instructions.

You must ache for this mustache kit! Go back and read that sentence again. Compare the spellings of the key words. Feel free to use that wordplay as your own—you’re welcome! You’re also welcome for this hairplay, our super snazzy Stick-On Mustache & Facial Hair Kit. Comes with (1) subtle handlebar ’stache, (2) bushy eyebrows, (2) sideburns and (1) soul patch, all adhesive-backed. Stock up on a few kits and you’ll never ache for them again.

A plastic pistol shaped toy that shoots slugs of raw potato. Push the barrel into a potato, break off the slug, aim and shoot up to fifteen feet. Loads of fun, environmentally harmless, and about as safe as any "projectile" toy can be!! Pulls apart for cleaning. For kids ages 5 and up.

Interesting wire contraption that we played with as a child. A series of (4) tiers of overlapping and intertwined brass wire semicircular hoops are anchored at the open end to a pair of full circles. The whole can be shaped into a tube, double balls, a flower petal, etc, depending upon what areas are opened, which closed. A variety of colored beads on the hoops add a decorative touch. Fun, intriguing and decorative all at the same time.

Baseball is for the boys of summer, but American Bandstand is forever. Some of us cared about the infield fly rule, but the smart money cared a bunch more about Fabian, Otis Redding, Frankie Valli and the other immortals on Dick Clark's afternoon TV delight. Now you can collect them all and swap them with your friends. You’ll get a pack of collectible 1980's American Bandstand trading cards, each pack with (8) cards featuring different artists and groups, some with gold-foil signatures. Cards are approx playing-card size. You might get Jerry Lee Lewis, you might get The Turtles. All we know for sure is you are going to want a bunch of packs because there are a lot of different cards and it's gonna take a dozen Donna Summer cards to get a Bo Diddley, because, come on, Who Do You Love?

From the harmonica kings themselves at the Hohner company, comes this 4" long, 3-octave plus, plastic harmonica, in C, the people's key. We'll pick one in an attractive shade of red, green, blue, yellow or whatever color shows up next, and send it in a little vinyl case.

Here's a little music box to crank. These are really cute, with a very nice sound, and they're in clear acrylic cases so you, or impressionable youngsters, can watch them work. They measure 2-1/4"x 2" x 1-1/4" with a 7/8" crank. We'll pick one that plays When You Wish upon a Star, Row, Row, Row your Boat, Brahms' Lullaby, or Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. We won't pick the one that plays the score from Die Walküre because the wheel is just enormous.

Take a trip down your grandpop's memory lane with this cute little double-barreled popgun that actually pops a pair of corks with a satisfying, well, pop. Just 9-1/2” long and unmistakably a toy in yellow, blue and orange wood, it has (2) corks attached on strings. Smack the back twice to pop both corks, then pull the handle back to reload.

Nothing beats a classic Hot Wheels® car except this, which is (3) of them. From Mattel®, this Hot Wheels® 3 set includes assorted die-cast cars that look fast even when they’re sitting still in the cardboard and plastic-window viewing packaging they come in. Each car is the standard Hot Wheels® size, about 3" long, but larger than life. Each set contains cars that range from standard production models to the wild and fantastical concept cars that Hot Wheels® is known for. Can’t beat a classic Hot Wheels® collection. It’s like baseball and apple pie.

Not your amateurish gag boxes, but 4-color genuine-looking boxes like you find at all your Big-Box stores, with graphics, marketing copy, testimonials and instructions. You pick the Crib Dribbler infant feeding system, just like rabbit waterers, the amusingly disturbing Earwax Candle Kit, the mind bending 12,000 piece mostly blue Jigsaw Puzzle, the looks too real to be fake Mold Farm Fungus Habitat or the favorite of Barb in accounting and green thumbs everywhere, the Toilet Meadow. Boxes are all 11-1/4" x 9" x 3-1/4" and are, naturally, empty. You see, the real gift goes inside.

Our seriously oversized #2 pencil is perfect for someone taking really important notes, or anyone who's tired of misplacing pencils. Also good for that big test. Measures 14" long x a 1-1/8" octagon, with a working eraser. Really thick graphite runs about 2" into the pencil, which will be plenty since we couldn't find a pencil sharpener to fit it anyway.

No maybes. Our each is a set of matching “YES” and “NO” buttons, a little over 3" in dia, like on quiz shows. When smacked, they recite one of (10) variations on the theme, as in “No, no, no, no” or “Yes, baby.” or “For the last time, NO.” Perfect for arbitrary decision-making at work and excellent for responding to requests from teens. You add a couple of “AAA” batteries and the buttons do the rest.