What scratches your back but won't provide breakfast for you? It's our glow in the dark back scratcher of course. Has chicken like talon "hands" and extends to over 26” long, but shrinks to a pocket-sized 8-1/4”. Super duper handy to have around when your significant other says they just cut their finger nails.

It's either a telescoping aluminum backscratcher, a fork for people whose elbows don't bend, or a sand rake for miniature Zen gardens. You pick. The 5-draw shaft extends from 6-5/8" to 20-3/8" long, the 5-tine rake is 1-3/16" wide, and it has a pocket clip.

OK, ok--we don’t mean it. Some of our best friends have little heads. These are mini-pillows for naps at your desk, or on airplanes, or wherever. They’re very soft and gooshy, with plush covers and zippers so you can remove the polyester bag of bead stuffing and wash the outside if you drool on it. (Don’t wash the stuffing or the gooshiness will be gone.) Measure just 9" long x 4" dia and we’ll pick a pair from our selection of pink, purple, baby blue or lime green.

We feel sorry for those flesh-colored bandages that are just trying to hide. Stand up and be healed with bandages that make a statement! Say Oink with this box of (15) sterile photo reproductions of a raw bacon slice, plus a bonus plastic pig in every box. Mustache bandages work even if you cut something other than your lip; just tell people it's a mustache transplant. You get (15) in (4) hairy styles, plus a secret gift.

Our each is (84) inches of stretchy, 6” wide cotton (we think) white gauze. How stretchy is it? Ours pulled out to about (11) feet, which covers a lot of owies.

Beauty school dropouts? You could call them that. We call them surplus with a new purpose, which probably involves Halloween, starting your own cosmetics how-to Youtube channel or guaranteeing yourself a seat on the bus. From what we've seen so far, some have eyes and some don't, and we can't decide which is more disturbing, but all have long dark-brown or black hair. Did we mention these are surplus? You get what you get without getting upset.

It’s an AS&S debut--socks with fun built right in. We’d say they’re wacky, but we hate saying wacky. These are all cotton/poly/nylon/spandex blends, which is a lot of blending right there, medium mens' at 18" long, but really, they’d pretty much fit most feet, and they’re gender-indifferent. You pick the blue/red/yellow with a rubber chicken on the side; the two-tone green with pickles rampant; the four-tone with Bigfoot; the black and blue with Tesla coils; or the green/black with a Plague Doctor.

Just your basic wrist straps with basic clips on the ends. You choose either 1/4" wide x 9" long in  black or 1/8" Dia. x 5" long in assorted colors. Perfect for I.D. badges, locker keys, or even hamster leashes.

Anodized aluminum channel, 2-5/8" long and just wide enough to hold a 5/8" wide card or tile which is up to about 1/16" thick. It has a spring clip in the channel to secure the card and a pair of "tie tacs" on the back to hold it on your bosom. Flaunt your name, "I Love Minot", "Addicted to Surplus" or whatever message you feel is appropriate in this age of self disclosure. We'll pick at least (2) different colors for you from among black, gold, red, purple, blue and silver.

What will scratch your back and pick up the keys you dropped? Your valet, yes, but on his day off we recommend this aluminum 4-draw back-scratcher with a chicken claw that has a neodymium magnet between its middle talons for grabbing ferrous stuff. Extends to over 26” long, but shrinks to a pocket-sized 8-1/4”.