is best done with the sacred mother of all novelty items, the original Whoopee Cushion. Marlon Brando owned one. Of course he did, they're both American classics, except the cushion was born in Toronto. Ours is the classic 8" version.

Baseball is for the boys of summer, but American Bandstand is forever. Some of us cared about the infield fly rule, but the smart money cared a bunch more about Fabian, Otis Redding, Frankie Valli and the other immortals on Dick Clark's afternoon TV delight. Now you can collect them all and swap them with your friends. You’ll get a pack of collectible 1980's American Bandstand trading cards, each pack with (8) cards featuring different artists and groups, some with gold-foil signatures. Cards are approx playing-card size. You might get Jerry Lee Lewis, you might get The Turtles. All we know for sure is you are going to want a bunch of packs because there are a lot of different cards and it's gonna take a dozen Donna Summer cards to get a Bo Diddley, because, come on, Who Do You Love?

A plastic pistol shaped toy that shoots slugs of raw potato. Push the barrel into a potato, break off the slug, aim and shoot up to fifteen feet. Loads of fun, environmentally harmless, and about as safe as any "projectile" toy can be!! Pulls apart for cleaning. For kids ages 5 and up.

Emergency underpants in a can. Says it all, doesn't it? Quite stretchable in a Tyvekish white fabric, "one pair fits most adults." They're hip-hugger, semi-bikini, translucent type drawers, so despite the smiling man wearing them and a red bow-tie on the can, some (insecure) guys might find these just a touch jeune fille-ish. "Safe, Sanitary, Secure." Says so right on the 3" x 1-1/2" x 2/3" flip-top metal can. Better buy (3) in case of a long weekend.

Lots of people had piano keyboard neckties in the '80s, but no one could play them--not even the piano players! That's because they weren't actual musical instruments. Can you imagine a time like that? Thankfully, those days are long gone. Our piano tie is a working keyboard with (8) different electronic notes that you can play through the tiny speaker hidden in the knot. Polyester and 16-1/2" long, the tie has a quick-release for easy attachment and removal. Also has an on-off switch, for when you decide you're done playing for the night. Runs on button cell batteries (included). Lessons not included, but trust us, you don't need lessons for this thing to kill at parties. Great addition to dad's neck tie collection.

Or the Swanee whistle. Whatever you call it, this little slide whistle (just consider it the smallest trombone in the universe) has an outsized musical history. No elevator has ever fallen in a cartoon without its accompaniment, and no jug band is complete without one, but Louis Armstrong also played one on his Hot Five recordings, and Ravel even required one in an opera score. In assorted plastic colors with a steel slide, 6-7/8" long x 1/2" dia.

It’s just like the little bell that used to sit on the front desk of every hotel in the world except that this one has a big 1-1/4” dia button on it, because who can see that tiny button anymore? Use it to call whoever brings you another beer on game days, or to announce quitting time at the home office—or get a bunch to use in your home trivia games. Measures 2” tall x 2” dia in polished steel with a big plastic button on top and a plastic bottom that won't scratch tables. We'll pick one in white, blue or black plastic because we’re good at that sort of ding, uh, thing.

Or singing suppositories. The pair is very magnetic, whatever they are. The 1-3/4" long prolate spheroids look like highly polished black hematites. Hold them an inch apart in your palm, toss 'em into the air and listen to them make a sound like the cyber-crickets. Or an electrocuted chicken. The manufacturer suggests keeping these mega-magnets away from computers, pacemakers, TV sets and credit cards.

It's an author! It's an NPR correspondent! It's Nancy Pearl, the librarian with the super-power to start the “One City, One Book” program. She fights a never-ending battle against censorship, anti-intellectualism and ignorance. We don't know how tall the real Nancy is, but her action figure is a petite 4” tall, and she’s wearing a red cape. Packaging includes the Librarian Code.

It could have been called an Alabama Buzzer after Alabama Vest, the man who invented it. Or a Clegghorn, after Thaddeus Von Clegg, the clock master who fabricated the first one. But the hand-crafted 4-3/4" long steel instrument was a simple amusement, and the 1840s were a simple time. So it's simply a kazoo.