NOVELTIES

Emergency underpants in a can. Says it all, doesn't it? Quite stretchable in a Tyvekish white fabric, "one pair fits most adults." They're hip-hugger, semi-bikini, translucent type drawers, so despite the smiling man wearing them and a red bow-tie on the can, some (insecure) guys might find these just a touch jeune fille-ish. "Safe, Sanitary, Secure." Says so right on the 3" x 1-1/2" x 2/3" flip-top metal can. Better buy (3) in case of a long weekend.

is best done with the sacred mother of all novelty items, the original Whoopee Cushion. Marlon Brando owned one. Of course he did, they're both American classics, except the cushion was born in Toronto. Ours is the classic 8" version.

Or the Swanee whistle. Whatever you call it, this little slide whistle (just consider it the smallest trombone in the universe) has an outsized musical history. No elevator has ever fallen in a cartoon without its accompaniment, and no jug band is complete without one, but Louis Armstrong also played one on his Hot Five recordings, and Ravel even required one in an opera score. In assorted plastic colors with a steel slide, 6-7/8" long x 1/2" dia.

You work hard, just like we do, and you also like to relax—again, like us. Of course you know that sometimes bending over, or even reaching for something, is just not in the cards. In times like those we grab the dinosaur grabber. This plastic, handheld extending grabber has a triceratops head on the end. Squeeze the handle and the mouth closes as the neck extends. Measures 3" x 10" closed, 3" x 12" extended, and it’s kind of addictive.

It could have been called an Alabama Buzzer after Alabama Vest, the man who invented it. Or a Clegghorn, after Thaddeus Von Clegg, the clock master who fabricated the first one. But the hand-crafted 4-3/4" long steel instrument was a simple amusement, and the 1840s were a simple time. So it's simply a kazoo.

You must ache for this mustache kit! Go back and read that sentence again. Compare the spellings of the key words. Feel free to use that wordplay as your own—you’re welcome! You’re also welcome for this hairplay, our super snazzy Stick-On Mustache & Facial Hair Kit. Comes with (1) subtle handlebar ’stache, (2) bushy eyebrows, (2) sideburns and (1) soul patch, all adhesive-backed. Stock up on a few kits and you’ll never ache for them again.

Or singing suppositories. The pair is very magnetic, whatever they are. The 1-3/4" long prolate spheroids look like highly polished black hematites. Hold them an inch apart in your palm, toss 'em into the air and listen to them make a sound like the cyber-crickets. Or an electrocuted chicken. The manufacturer suggests keeping these mega-magnets away from computers, pacemakers, TV sets and credit cards.

Special for your beginner tootler. Our black or ivory ABS plastic soprano recorder (Our choice) measures 12-5/8" long and includes a plastic carrying case, cleaning rod, and a sheet of fingering instructions.

Interesting wire contraption that we played with as a child. A series of (4) tiers of overlapping and intertwined brass wire semicircular hoops are anchored at the open end to a pair of full circles. The whole can be shaped into a tube, double balls, a flower petal, etc, depending upon what areas are opened, which closed. A variety of colored beads on the hoops add a decorative touch. Fun, intriguing and decorative all at the same time.

A plastic pistol shaped toy that shoots slugs of raw potato. Push the barrel into a potato, break off the slug, aim and shoot up to fifteen feet. Loads of fun, environmentally harmless, and about as safe as any "projectile" toy can be!! Pulls apart for cleaning. For kids ages 5 and up.

The Song of the Open Rails. Nothing sets a young person 's heart a-flutter like the mournful cry of a train whistle. A sound that promises adventure, mystery, freedom... Well, we cant offer you any of that, but this may be the next best thing. You've likely seen wooden train whistles like this before-roughly 6" long, with holes in the top you blow into to create a high pitched 'moving out' signal, but you've probably never seen them at such a good surplus price like this before. Allons!

The Big Bang Bubble Blaster (we just said that 10 times!) looks like a giant hairdryer from the ’70s, right down to the orange and aqua color. But it’s way more fun. This fat gun shoots thousands of bubbles, which built-in multi-colored LED lights give a magical tint to as they sail into the ether. Includes (2) containers of bubble solution, tilting tray designed to reuse the solution, and a 3.7-Volt Li-Ion battery that recharges via the included USB cord. Help kids expand their universe with bubbles! Ages 5+

From the harmonica kings themselves at the Hohner company, comes this 4" long, 3-octave plus, plastic harmonica, in C, the people's key. We'll pick one in an attractive shade of red, green, blue, yellow or whatever color shows up next, and send it in a little vinyl case.

Lots of people had piano keyboard neckties in the '80s, but no one could play them--not even the piano players! That's because they weren't actual musical instruments. Can you imagine a time like that? Thankfully, those days are long gone. Our piano tie is a working keyboard with (8) different electronic notes that you can play through the tiny speaker hidden in the knot. Polyester and 16-1/2" long, the tie has a quick-release for easy attachment and removal. Also has an on-off switch, for when you decide you're done playing for the night. Runs on button cell batteries (included). Lessons not included, but trust us, you don't need lessons for this thing to kill at parties. Great addition to dad's neck tie collection.

A gallimaufry of gags, the prankster's pantheon. Our seven-day selection of sophomoric stupidity includes a joy buzzer, a fake ketchup spill that is perfect for a laptop or tablet, wrapped candy thats more bug than treat, a pack of gum with a mousetrap inside, a nice fake nail to put through a finger, a fly-in-the-ice cube, and the American classic whoopee cushion. Add some rubber vomit and you've got enough gifts to get through Channukah.

We’re proud as can be to offer the world’s largest whoopee cushion--twice as big as the original for a nation whose bottom line has doubled since the original cushion was invented nearly 100 years ago. We call that progress. Your cushion, at approx a foot in diameter, will arrive folded in half. If your whoopie cushion has to be folded in half to be shipped, you know it’s big. And yes, the whoop is twice as loud, too.

The original Joy Buzzer was called the Joke Buzzer (1932 U.S. patent #1845735, Soren Adams) and it replaced the more dangerous Zapper, which is lost to time, more's the pity. Our standard wind-up model is a 1-3/8" dia circle of perennial vibrating fun, with a 7/8" dia finger loop. (Watch for the solar-powered joy buzzer, still under development.)

Plunk your magic twanger and call yourself froggy. This 3-5/8" long steel jaw harp, or mouth harp, is technically a plucked idiophone, but don't say that in Nashville. Includes playing instructions. Pay no attention to that vibration in your head.